A Mother's Guilt but God's Faithfulness

The highs and lows of being a mother. The laughs and the tears, the sorrow and joy. The guilt. Oh the guilt that comes along with being a mother. I bargained for many things when becoming a mother but the guilt...the guilt kind of threw me a little bit. I have learned that most moms have it. At least the ones I've met.
A few months ago...October 24 to be exact, I was having an "I'm such a horrible mother" moment. I had actually been having this "moment" for a few weeks and it all seemed to come to a point on this particular day. I was having thoughts like: my kids never obey me and it's my fault! I'm not consistent enough. I yell too much. I don't spend enough time with them. I should read to them more. Am I teaching them about Jesus enough? Why would God ever give me more children when I'm messing these 2 up so royally? I was having a pity party to say the least. So I called my mom. No matter what, she will always help me snap out of whatever funk I'm in. She can be brutally honest and for someone like me, I need that. I want that. She didn't disappoint.
My mom encouraged me to stop what I was doing, put the boys in their play room and read God's word. "Okay mom, you're right, why didn't I think of that?!" I put the boys in their play room and started reading. I read what I thought was the Psalm of the day, Psalms 22 (I thought it was the 22nd of October but I was 2 days off, which gives a little glimpse of where my head was at). After reading, I was encouraged. God's word always encourages me. I felt a little more refreshed. I was thankful for the quite time, even if it was only a few minutes. God is always faithful to me. I was about to find out just how faithful He was.
I continued on with my day feeling somewhat better about myself as a mother. I do love my children. I feed them, bathe them, kiss them, tell them I love them. However, I'm still pretty sure God will not give me anymore. I do lose it way more often than not....
Later in the day, a wave of nausea hit me from out of nowhere. I'm thinking to myself "the last time I felt a wave of nausea like that, I was pregnant". Wasting no time, thinking there is no way, I run out and purchase a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it comes back positive and I'm completely stunned! I mean, what in the world, Lord! I was sure you were not going to give me anymore little ones. I'm completely ruining the ones I do have...wasn't I just telling you that early today?!
The end of the day rolls around and I'm still in a bit of shock. I'm laying in bed and I take my Bible out again. By this time, all the thoughts and fears of my previous 2 pregnancies (difficult pregnancy with Micah and then a miscarriage) have filled my mind. There are also other worries I'm having, like: how am I going to care for another? But then, a small, quiet voice reminds me of 2 verses I read earlier that day out of Psalms 22. "Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast on you; from my mother's womb you have been my God" (Psalm 22:9&10). It was no accident that I read the "wrong" Psalm of the day. It was the perfect Psalm of the day for me. God.Is.Faithful.
I immediately claimed that verse for this little one; who we now know is a little girl! I have claimed a different verse for each of my children before they were born. They have all come at different times in my pregnancy. I'm so thankful for God's timing in giving me this verse for this little girl. This verse has been my strength and encouragement during this pregnancy. There have been many times of fear and doubt. I continue to battle it daily. But God quietly reminds me that it is He who brings life out of the mother's womb. It is He who makes me trust in Him. HE IS MY GOD. And I claim Him as the God of this little girl. I have faith that I will nurse this little lamb in a few months. And He will sustain me.
Through these verses, God also reminded me that I am the perfect mother for Ry and Micah. He gave them to me because He knew they needed me to be their mother. Taking it day by day, my focus is to raise them to love Jesus. I will make many, many mistakes along the way. I pray God will allow me to use my mistakes in a way that will honor Him. When I yell, I have the opportunity to apologize to my children, asking them for forgiveness. Through that, I pray I am able to teach them to humble themselves and ask for forgiveness when they have wronged others.
God is faithful, even when I'm not. He has given me enormous responsibilities, even when I think I'm unworthy of them. Because of the Holy Spirit who lives in me,  I have all I need to raise these precious little lambs. I am able because He has made me able. To God be the glory.